martes, 27 de marzo de 2012

Goofy is an asshole


I'm sure this will get buried, which seems to be the obligatory thing to say when there are 300+ comments on a thread, but here's how you're an ass, Goofy.
Five years ago I went on a Disney Cruise (The Wonder, I think) with my (then) girlfriend and her whole family. The first night, after getting permission from her dad, I proposed. She immediately said yes, and then switched to no. Then she said “I just don’t know.” I was crushed. She was just confused and scared, that’s not the story.
I go for a walk to clear my head and find a bar up on the deck, by the pool toward the front of the ship. Here we are, less than two hours into a week-long cruise, and I’m slamming Jack Daniels by myself while playing solo chess. Correction: cheating at solo chess.
Then you pass the bar on the deck.
There you are, easily 15 feet tall (with that hat), walking by the window of the bar. I had been drinking hard liquor for about 45 minutes and was very clearly buzzed and/or belligerent and had completely forgotten where I was. Then I saw a giant dog. You. Fucking. Scared. Me.
Something about my face made you stop in mid-stride and slowly, too slowly, turn to face me. Your perma-grin baring vampire teeth and your soulless eyes saw into me. You saw all of my shortcomings and failings as a man and… you laughed. Not audibly, but I could tell. You sort of bent over, grabbing your dog-tummy, and heaved to and fro miming uproarious laughter.
After what felt like a lifetime of your laughing (probably only 10 seconds) you brought your gloved hands to your huge eyes and rubbed them as if crying. I realized I had tears streaming down my face and you mocked me. In horror I wiped off my face while standing up entirely too fast, knocking over the chair I was sitting in. You cocked your head to the side as if to hear my scared heartbeat and walked away, deciding I wasn’t worth your time as prey.
I stepped out into the still-chilly night as kids ran by screaming, but you were already gone; surely to devour someone’s soul. My girlfriend found me, broke down into tears, and apologized profusely. The rest of the cruise was awesome and, honestly, I started to think our encounter was just my imagination. I was engaged to the perfect woman! We were happy and you were a distant memory. Until we got home and started looking through our pictures.
You photobombed a bunch of them. Picture after picture, you’re in the background doing seemingly innocuous stuff. Taken on different nights, I can only conclude that you were stalking me.
tl/dr: Goofy is a soulless creature of the night who kicks broken men in the balls. Figuratively.
Why, Goofy? Why?

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